Stepping To The Sun -I-

“If I stayed here, something inside me would be lost forever—something I couldn’t afford to lose. It was like a vague dream, a burning, unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they’re seventeen.”


One crashed car, nine pounds of gear, a beautiful girl, and a sunset later, and it feels like it’s about time to leave.

The winds have changed and there’s the hint of spring floating in the dull grey airs of New England, my interim before pushing back out west, back to the lands I call home. The place I was born to and left when I was just a child. It’s fitting though, because with every step, it’s closer and further into that wonder of life that all children have mastered and I myself, am just a student.

I had a dream last night, almost everyone I had known in a significant way was there. Some party, somewhat dimly lit, and definitely too crowded. Girlfriends that I loved like there was no tomorrow, best friends that faded like fall leaves after the melt of snows, others that I wish I had never known. It was more than a just another dream, it was a calving of an era, a time drifting back out to sea to rejoin the rest of the endless ocean, and I watched it all. I saw Her, someone I knew long ago. I felt my heart palpitate as I saw her across the room, my stomach ached as I held her hand, then eye to eye, I said goodbye and watched her to walk out… allowed myself to walk out, no second glances.
Now it’s time to seam seal a tent, say goodbye to an exceptional brother, a loving family, and a few friends. Then find the flights to the Puerto Rican rain forest to meet up with two good friends to push through densely covered trails, swim in bio luminescent bays, camp on uninhabited beaches, and meet the life of the another land.
As others my age are expanding, getting bigger apartments, mortgages, higher car payments, more mouths to feed, and rings to keep on their fingers, I’ve been consolidating. Collecting dust and views gained by exhaustion and perseverance. My entire collection of worldly possessions, aside from old books, can fit on my back. The books, left behind, are relegated to two feet of sub prime shelf space.
Why go with less when it seems the point is to gain more. I guess with some questions, if they need to be asked, they can’t truly be answered.
When I moved out of Austin, TX and pulled into Connecticut I was exhausted. Worn from self perceived short comings that came about from attempting to fly too close to the sun and a bad high. For some time, a month or so, I allowed myself to feel it. I slept all day, I ate garbage, I didn’t run. I smoked cigarettes, a habit I gave up years ago. But it never ceases to amaze me the places you can get renewed from. A smile at a coffee shop from a good looking waitress, helping a friend when he’s feeling spent, friends, and of course, family. From a sunset, as grand as every sunset that came before it but seen from a different perspective or in a moment of awareness. Seen from the right angle, and the right angle makes all the difference
And I guess that’s what it all comes down to, being flexible enough to move with life so you catch all the views from the ‘right’ angles. But, who really knows.
One crashed car, nine pounds of gear, a beautiful girl, and a sunset later, and it feels like it’s about time to leave.

4 responses to “Stepping To The Sun -I-

  1. You have such freaking talent as a writer. I’m glad you are consolidating in that fashion. I’m glad you are writing about it, too. You have a style that is truly yours and that is enjoyable and rather addicting to read.

    • Jen, thanks a ton. Hearing that means a lot, especially coming from you. I should be thanking you, seeing all your insights and writing was one of the forces that finally got me to get my own page up and running. I’ve had this address siting ideal for nearly two years, somehow always finding a way to put off starting. Any tips towards growing the page or critics on the writing are more than welcome. I’ll be in A town for SXSW, we should catch a show.

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